Monday, 17 March 2014
I'm not much of a Tweeter, but it's difficult to resist the#overheard hashtag.
Highlights from the Philistine Press Twitter feed over the last couple of years include:
'...I even had to take my trousers off. I mean, what did they expect me to be hiding in my trousers?'
'I saw that bloke who dresses as a woman - Dame Enda Everage - but he was dressed as a man. Small world, eh?'
'Is it The SUREshank Redemption?' / 'No, it's SHAWshank.' / 'SHOREshank?' / 'No.'
Man offering advice to American tourist about where to eat in London: 'Oxford Street has everything you want - KFC, McDonalds...'
Tourist replies: 'We're only in London for a short amount of time so we have a narrow fish and chip window...'
'The guy had a ladyboy tattoo and an Elvis quiff but he was normal apart from that...'
'...You couldn't see the girl because she had a completely white face.'
'White shirt, black tie. You can wear either black or very dark grey. I ain't wearing a bow tie - that's fucked up shit.'
'I went through it with an absolute tooth comb...'
'I'm pretty sure the only thing I've seen in his rucksack are diarrhoea tablets.'
'You found me. You chose me. There's only one me. What can I do?'
'Don't get me wrong, I've got no problem with women vicars. Anyone can do the job regardless of age, sex, colour or creed.’
‘I never liked his solo stuff. I went off him after he left The Jackson Five.’
‘We're not like normal students. We eat salmon!’
‘Hey! Fizzy tea!’
'He had a cleft palate because of a stab wound when he was 17. He said 'I'm a really good kisser.''
'It tasted fucking horrible at first so I drank four or five cups in a row. You get used to it after a while.'
'Do you know there's a certain time at night where it's illegal to stop at red lights? You get fined and everything.'
'I'm just on my way to meet one and a half Germans.'
Girl reading newspaper: 'Why am I looking at the suduko? I don't even know what that is!'
Child on the bus singing Fireman Sam theme: 'Walking down the boozy street, greeting people that he meets...'
Young girl to father: 'Do you know, dad, whenever you smoke, someone in the world dies?'
'How can the minimum be higher than the maximum?'
Tourist on Waterloo Bridge: 'Too many fucking landmarks...'
‘What’s a rectum?’