Entertainment by Mr If
Welcome to the entertaining world of poet, enigma and serial adulterer, Mr If. You've never read anything like this before. You never will again.
Sample poem:
Not on Facebook, not on Twitter
Not on Facebook,
Not on Twitter,
Haven’t got a computer,
Haven’t got a phone,
That’s not what I do for entertainment.
Don’t go to pubs,
Don’t go to clubs,
Don’t go to restaurants,
Don’t go the cinema,
Or the theatre,
Or to gigs.
Perhaps in another life, I would like to do these things,
But that’s not what I do for entertainment.
Not on Facebook,
Not on Twitter,
Sometimes I send emails from the library,
But rarely check for replies.
Don’t read books,
Don’t read newspapers,
Don’t read magazines,
I try to stay away from TV as much as possible.
I listen to music,
It soothes me.
Music helps to pass the time,
It’s always around, in the background, like distant voices,
But that’s not what I do for entertainment.
Not on Facebook,
Not on Twitter,
I don’t download pornography,
Or watch videos of people being tortured and killed,
Like some people do.
Don’t drink alcohol,
Don’t take drugs,
Don’t binge on burgers,
Don’t go to the gym,
Don’t play or watch sports,
Don’t go to church,
Don’t go to any classes,
I try to learn as little as possible in life.
Not on Facebook,
Not on Twitter,
I write poems in a dusty old notebook,
Like the screaming Luddite that I am,
And I don’t care if no one ever reads them.
I write them for my own entertainment,
Not for yours, fucker.
Read more here (but be warned, it's not for kids).
Secondly, our first humour release ...
Not a Lot of People Know That by David Hailwood and FJ Riley
Not a Lot of People Know That is a book of facts. Not a lot of people know these facts. David Hailwood and FJ Riley know them. Not a lof of people know who David Hailwood and FJ Riley are, but with facts as accurate as these, they soon will.
Some sample facts ...
The very first advertising agency was started in 1807. It folded a week later, due to poor advertising.
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At least 46% of suicide bombings are misinterpreted cases of spontaneous human combustion.
*
Paracetamol is a placebo. It is a completely useless substance with no pain relieving properties. Your headache was cured by psychological suggestion only.
The same applies to penicillin, and all vaccinations.
*
The most elaborate signature of all time belonged to Ernest Wheelhouse of Rotterdam. The surface area of Wheelhouse’s signature was twenty-six square feet, and often took several days to complete.
Wheelhouse is also credited with having invented those large novelty cheques used in charity telethons.
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Fire was not invented until 1857. Before that, people had to make do with electric lights.
*
The Amazon contains at least five lost tribes of television documentary crews, three of which were originally sent in to document the lives of the other two.
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The first surgeon ever to be simultaneously charged with both “gross malpractice” and “graffiti” is a Mr Igor Skelton of Berlin, who in 1995, was found guilty of inscribing messages on patients’ internal organs. Skelton’s numerous acts of vandalism are alleged to have taken place over the course of fifteen years, during which time he created many secret inscriptions, mainly intended as insults against various colleagues.
Skelton was eventually found guilty after a former patient’s kidney was donated to medical research. On the kidney’s arrival at a nearby institute, students were horrified to discover the words “Doctor Heinz is a knob, 100% true” written across the organ.
In a public statement shortly after the event, Doctor Heinz, M.D. categorically stated that he was "not a knob."
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