Extract of the Moment: Mr If

This is taken from Mr If's first poetry collection, Entertainment.


Not on Facebook, not on Twitter

Not on Facebook, Not on Twitter,
Haven’t got a computer,
Haven’t got a phone,
That’s not what I do for entertainment.

Don’t go to pubs,
Don’t go to clubs,
Don’t go to restaurants,
Don’t go the cinema,
Or the theatre,
Or to gigs.
Perhaps in another life, I would like to do these things,
But that’s not what I do for entertainment.

Not on Facebook,
Not on Twitter,
Sometimes I send emails from the library,
But rarely check for replies.

Don’t read books,
Don’t read newspapers,
Don’t read magazines,
I try to stay away from TV as much as possible.

I listen to music,
It soothes me.
Music helps to pass the time,
It’s always around, in the background, like distant voices,
But that’s not what I do for entertainment.

Not on Facebook,
Not on Twitter,
I don’t download pornography,
Or watch videos of people being tortured and killed,
Like some people do.

Don’t drink alcohol,
Don’t take drugs,
Don’t binge on burgers,
Don’t go to the gym,
Don’t play or watch sports,
Don’t go to church,
Don’t go to any classes,
I try to learn as little as possible in life.

Not on Facebook,
Not on Twitter,
I write poems in a dusty old notebook,
Like the screaming Luddite that I am,
And I don’t care if no one ever reads them.
I write them for my own entertainment,
Not for yours, fucker.


Read the full collection online or download for free here.